Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?

A Moo-sician!

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What is a ghost's favorite fruit?

Booberries!
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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