Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The fish.
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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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