Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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