Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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