Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spooketi
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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