Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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