Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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Why are the floors of basketball courts always so damp?

The players dribble a lot.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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