Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?

One; she designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one, and screw itself in.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.
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