Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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