Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy

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How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.

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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.

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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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