Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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