Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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