Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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What's the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has the most stories.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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