Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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What is up in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?

Snow White Supremacist.
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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