Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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How did the bubble gum cross the road?

On the bottom of the chicken's foot!
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Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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