Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my sun!
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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