Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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How many subscribers to AOL does it take to change a light bulb?

What? You can change light bulbs?
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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