Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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