Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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A seal walks into a club...
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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