Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish

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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!

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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have any guts!
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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