Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?

When it's full.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What are pirate's favoite treat?

Chips AHOY!!
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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