Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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