Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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