Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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What kind of jam can you not eat?

A traffic jam.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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