Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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